End America's Pistachio Dependence NOW!

I am sick of everyone complaining about our depenece on foriegn oil, start carpooling or buy a smaller fucking car. People at the pub need to stop telling me that the gas prices are too high as they jump into their fricken Bradley tank and drive away- what the hell were these people expecting- a gas fairy to deliever them gas everynight as they slept?

In anycase, there is a more important issue that we must address... Pistachio dependency. Pistachios are perhaps my favorite of all the nuts, and a great deal of our Pistachio consumption originates in the Middle East. Currently the American consumer is forced to pay about $1.50 for 2.5 ounces of these delicious nuts- that is $9.60 a pound! But where is the outrage for that!? By comparison your precious gasoline at 3 dollars a gallon only costs 35 cents a pound- and you cant even eat that crap (although I do enjoy the smell of it- it reminds me of the days I drove around my old gas leaking Fiat).

Now I am not suggesting that we invade a major Pistachio producer such as Iran to stabilize our countries supply of this delicacy- but I am suggesting we at least boost this country's production capacity in the California region to meet our demand and drive our Pistachio prices down! The American consumer can afford no more increase in the Pistachio price!

I strongly suggest you call your local legislator and urge them to help bring down the price of Pistachios- and the next time some Bradley tank driving son of a bitch tells you that they can't handle the price of gasoline, punch them in the face and alert them to the plight of the Pistachio consumer.

What the hell is Nougat?

I have an important question that someone could help me with.... many of my favorite candy bars and treats have a mysterious substance called Nougat in it... but what the hell is Nougat? I mean really, think of the ingredients in your candy bar- sugar, peanuts, chocolate, almonds, coconut, you know where this stuff comes from, I've got no clue as to where Nougat comes from. And another thing... this stuff does not look like it should taste good, its a funny white color it and it doesn’t smell quite right, not to mention the spelling of the word is unusual, shouldn’t it be spelled noogut or newgut maybe newgit? It’s very suspicious.

I'll be honest with you; I am concerned that nougat may be part of a vast conspiracy to screw consumers. I am have yet to determine what the aim of this conspiracy is, maybe its to get us fatter, or to get us hooked on otherwise shitty candy, maybe nougat contains some sort of mind control substance that will turn us into zombies. Well I for one certainly don’t want to be a Nougat zombie!

Whatever the goal of nougat makers is- I don’t trust them... and is much as it pains me I will avoid nougat until I find out exactly what it is and how it is made- I suggest you do the same..... and when the time does comes to defend ourselves from the Nougat Zombies, you stick by good ol' Johnny, because I will be ready for those bastards.

My New Favorite Television Show.....

This weekend the Discovery Channel presented a marathon of a show called "The Deadliest Catch", needless to say it is now my favorite television program. Why you ask? It’s a reality show about fishing that’s why. It reminds me of my life as a fisherman and the trials and tribulations associated with the grueling work. It’s nice for once to see television executives putting real men back on television. I don’t know if you have noticed or not but in the last several years there have been no programs with real men on them.... no more TJ Hooker, no more A-team, no more Coach, and no more Matlock. Instead we get such femininas as Charlie Sheen, the pansies on American Idol (by the way we should outlaw men wearing anything with sequence.... and don’t even get me started on Ryan fucking Seacrest), and of course how could I not mention the entire cast of Will and Grace. Perhaps now however the tide has turned, finally we get men who only cry when their shipmate is thrown overboard and killed, or when a spear is accidentally shot through their foot.

Watching the show has also alerted me as to how greatly fishing has changed over the past 20 some years. The boys on this show have it made... they get big paydays, safe and comfortable boats and nice equipment... hell, one of the boats even has a woman who cooks- back in my day the only way we ate was if we caught something to eat. I'll never forget an outing back in September of 1957, the sea was not giving up her bounty and a deck hand attempted to eat one of our greenhorns (that is sailor slang for a new crew member who lacks experience) needless to say it took both Shamus and I to restrain the son of a bitch.... we were to late to save the greenhorn's ear though.

In any case, I highly suggest you check your local listings and watch some good men doing some hard work so pussies like you can enjoy your damn fish frys and crab cakes.

Rather Peeved

Since coming to the states in the early 80's I have made it a habit to keep myself informed about the world. One of the ways I do this is by watching the CBS Evening News... formerly with Dan Rather.

Say what you will about the man and his biased style of reporting, there is one thing you cant deny- the man reported the new with a fire that burned deep inside of him (like ghonorrea). It was this fire that I admired, it is this fire that made watching him so entertaining. His passion and his win at all costs attitude (even if it means cheating, ambushing people during interviews, or crawling around in mud to interview soldiers) made him the ideal man to deliver the news.

The least the CBS could have done for this man is given him a fricken clip show, pointing out all of his greatest moments, I am sure you know the ones: getting punched at the democratic convention, making up news, going to Vietnam, yelling at presidents Nixon, Ford, Reagan, Bush, and Bush, and lets not forget all those colorful terms he used to describe things.

CBS did get one thing right though.... have you seen the legs on his replacement? Let me just say this: when she reports the news, there is more wood in my pants than just my leg.

Richard Gere stars in "The Jackal".

I sat down Saturday night to enjoy an evening at home, when I came across a movie that peeked my interest. The movie was called "The Jackal" it was about a plot to assassinate the first lady, and the forces who were trying to stop it from happening- unfortunately that's all I knew of the movie. I later found out that the story centered around an ex-terrorist from Ireland played by Richard Gere.

I don't know who the hell was in charge of casting but there is no way on god's green earth that Richard Gere could even come close for passing as an Irishman, let alone an Irish terrorist. His poor acting and cheesy accent made my countrymen look like a bunch of pussies (even if he did get the bad guy- by the way that was a real surprise). Needless to say I have also heard some rumors about this Gere fellow that are to say the least, troubling. Now I don't judge people's lifestyle (unless they are French or German) but how could anyone do that with an animal- which brings me to another point: who the hell came up with the idea of inserting a rodent in one's ass? When I see a furry little creature the absolute last thing I would be thinking would be "Gee I wonder what it would feel like to have that thing doing laps in my colon".

Irishmen across the world should boycott the movie studio that put this steamy load of crap on the market- it is a slap in the face of all of us. We must stand against these bastards in Hollywood... especially the ones that like hamsters trotting up their poop shoot.

Johnny McBarney: Enemy Combatant

I know it has been a while, and I would just like to respond to those of you that sent me a wave of emails over my absence. First of all, as you may be able to tell, I am not dead; and secondly GET THE HELL OUT OF YOUR HOUSES AND DO SOMETHING WITH YOUR LIVES! Do you bastards really believe that my entire life revolves around this shitty computer?

But let me now share the reason for my absence. It has to do with our good friends in the government and particularly those in the department of homeland security. Like everyone in this country I have faced increased security since 9/11, but unlike most people I have a peg leg which for some reason some people find suspicious. About five months ago I went to a local boat show, where because of a visit from a certain ex-president, security was tight. After what could only be considered a hassle at the metal detector I was finally allowed in to view this season's new boats. Sometime later while I was onboard one beautiful vessel when I was provided with the opportunity to meet the ex-president. After a short, but pleasant encounter, I attempted to get out of the way so that others could meet him, unfortunately a crowd had built up on the boat making it difficult to get off of it. As I attempted to sneak around behind the president and his entourage, my leg again drew suspicion from a secret service agent. Believing I was a threat to the president, the agent dove at me, at which point we were thrown off the side of the boat and into the murky waters below.

I was soon arrested but not charged, held as an enemy combatant. For the last year I have been held in Cuba as the government sought to tie me to the IRA. My lawyer finally won my release about a month ago- at which point I went on a celebratory trip with my good friend Tim McCarver to the Pacific Northwest. I would love nothing more than to share with you other tantalizing stories from my stay in prison- however my lawyer has advised against it as I plan on suing the government for improper imprisonment.

In any case I am back!
Johnny McBarney