Johnny McBarney: Enemy Combatant

I know it has been a while, and I would just like to respond to those of you that sent me a wave of emails over my absence. First of all, as you may be able to tell, I am not dead; and secondly GET THE HELL OUT OF YOUR HOUSES AND DO SOMETHING WITH YOUR LIVES! Do you bastards really believe that my entire life revolves around this shitty computer?

But let me now share the reason for my absence. It has to do with our good friends in the government and particularly those in the department of homeland security. Like everyone in this country I have faced increased security since 9/11, but unlike most people I have a peg leg which for some reason some people find suspicious. About five months ago I went to a local boat show, where because of a visit from a certain ex-president, security was tight. After what could only be considered a hassle at the metal detector I was finally allowed in to view this season's new boats. Sometime later while I was onboard one beautiful vessel when I was provided with the opportunity to meet the ex-president. After a short, but pleasant encounter, I attempted to get out of the way so that others could meet him, unfortunately a crowd had built up on the boat making it difficult to get off of it. As I attempted to sneak around behind the president and his entourage, my leg again drew suspicion from a secret service agent. Believing I was a threat to the president, the agent dove at me, at which point we were thrown off the side of the boat and into the murky waters below.

I was soon arrested but not charged, held as an enemy combatant. For the last year I have been held in Cuba as the government sought to tie me to the IRA. My lawyer finally won my release about a month ago- at which point I went on a celebratory trip with my good friend Tim McCarver to the Pacific Northwest. I would love nothing more than to share with you other tantalizing stories from my stay in prison- however my lawyer has advised against it as I plan on suing the government for improper imprisonment.

In any case I am back!
Johnny McBarney