Who is this German and why is he trying to sell me a vacuum?

By now everyone has heard of the newest vacuum cleaner on the market, it is pushed by a Nazi bastard telling us that the damn thing doesn't even use suction. Now I don't trust the Germans, I never have, I am still concerned that they may be plotting to take over the world, even though the have failed several times in the past. The only thing that I have in common with the Germans, is my undying hatred of the French and British (stories for another day). In any matter this German bastard is telling us that he has invented a cleaning machine with no bags, no filters, and no suction- well you son of a bitch I have news for you, its already been invented, its called a carpet sweeper. Go down to your local Denny's and see this revolutionary device in action.

Now I am not a marketing wizard but it seems to me that this guy should be playing off of his Nazi image. Perhaps he should call his vacuum cleaner a PANZER, perhaps he slogan should be something like "Its time for a Blitzkrieg on dirt." His campaign, one that is trying to build an image of quality for machine is suspicious. We all know that the Germans have never produced an item of high quality! The first boat I ever purchased, The Morning Star, was a converted German warship that was abandoned after the German surrender. Unfortunately for myself and my crew, the vessel was plagued with problems, and eventually sank in a dramatic incident that killed my brave first mate Shamus.

I know I am rambling but I do have a point: be wary of Mr. Dyson and his magic cleaning machine. The Germans are crafty, and they use this skill in furtherance of evil..... just like they did in The Big One (WWII). They have tricked us before, we have appeased their odd behaviors in the past. Nothing is more suspicious than a high-quality German vacuum cleaner that doesn't suck. We cannot appease this behavior and put ourselves in a dire situation, as we have in the past. It may be time for the Allies to reunite and do some bombing- first target, the Dyson vacuum cleaner plant.... something fishy is going on there.

Oh and one more thing, if you do bomb Dyson back to the stone age- make sure you drop one for good old Shamus.