Do it yourself my ass, someone fix my crapper!

About three days ago a good friend and normal patron of mine, Finbar McNamara, had what I can only describe as an "explosive emergency" while he was at the bar. Finbar is a big man, and when I say big I mean big, one of his best friends is a man named James Burrows, he is one of the creators of the hit television program "Cheers". Many believe that Finbar, who frequents a bar nearly everyday, is actually the inspiration for the character of Cliff Clavin, as he is known for his rather unreliable plethora of useless knowledge. In any case, after about twenty minutes "behind closed doors", Finbar emerged from the washroom, and declared heartily: "someone broke the toilet!". As I walked back to the washroom I began to catch a whiff on what I was up against, the scene inside was not a pretty one, looking into the toilet was like looking straight into hell, it was severely clogged to say the least. Worse than that- Finbar had some how broken the toilet free of its crucial anchor bolts. I immediately walked back into the bar room and grabbed the phone book to look for a repair man. It was at this point that Finbar, who had now begun to feel bad about crippling my crapper, said that he and I would be able to fix the toilet ourselves, and that we could go to the Home Depot and get supplies in the morning. In the meantime he said, he would get the plunger and take care of the mess.

The next day at the Home Depot I was informed by a young man that replacing the toilet would be an easy task, he gave me all the suppliers that I would require, the new toilet, a flange, some bolts, and a curious implement named a wax ring (I should note that it took us over half an hour to actually find the young man, who was not even in the plumbing department. As far as I am concerned the Home Depot is merely a warehouse of fools). After several hours of installation Finbar, and I had completed the job.... we followed the instructions explicitly. I proceeded to sit on the toilet to ensure that the work was done correctly, suddenly the toilet began to rock back and forth, making an odd creaking noise; before I could respond a pipe burst and water began gushing out of it. The splashing of the water and the rocking of the toilet reminded me of riding a ship on the high seas, this however was no pleasure cruise. Finbar ran to shut of the water, but the damage had been done, I was drenched and the new toilet was incapacitated.

For a moment allow me to address the pimply faced bastard at the home depot and all the "do it yourself" advocates like that know-it-all Bob Vila: fuck you! and kiss my fat Irish ass. It is because of you assholes, the men who visit my bar must swallow their pride and walk into the ladies' room when they need to break the seal. (Don't worry boys, Johnny wouldn't let you down- the repair man is coming Thursday.)