Estate Planning, the Larry Hagman Way

A couple years ago famed actor and star of the hit television shows Dallas, and I Dream of Jeanie, announced some of his private estate plans to the public. In short, he wants his friends to eat his dead body once he dies.

Hagman's wish is that once he dies he shall be fed into a wood chipper and then have his "chips" spread over a field planted with wheat. This wheat will then be harvested and used in a cake that his friends and family will then feast over.

While this thought may disgust many younger folks, it has got me thinking. I am an old man I have to start thinking about how I want to make my transition into the next life. Like Hagman I have a flare for life, and a certain bravado (which has always gone over well with the women), so I too need a unique sendoff. I don’t want to copy Hagman, although I would like to send my critics a nice slice of McBarney, and I don’t want to copy Hunter S. Thompson, who packed himself into a fireworks display- another great send off.

So here is my idea. I have this old sailboat in my barn- I think my body should be placed on the boat, and then the boat should then be put on the ocean, but before the boat is released it should be set on fire. That way I shall sail peacefully (and on fire) into the unknown..... what a way to go.

Shaping America's Youth

After years of begging this old sea dog to return to the water, the fine folks over the local yaught club have finally done it, this July I have, and will continue, instructing youngsters on the fine points of sailing on the high seas. But don’t get that warm and fuzzy feeling quite yet...

These little brats are the most untalented, foolish little sons of bitches I have ever met. This week I witnessed one boat of bastards (currently we are using 13 foot sunfish boats with 2 men crews) run directly into a boat that had been anchored in the harbor, how hard is it to avoid a fucking parked boat? Worse yet, these two dynamos of the sea finally get around the anchored boat and somehow turn around and run into the damn thing again, a move which sent one of the two bastards overboard and into the murky waters below.

Maybe I am just not cut out to teach today’s youth, in Ireland I taught many young men how to sail, but back then corporal punishment was still allowed, the little pricks that didn’t follow my commands or refused to put and effort forward would be kicked in the ass until they learned their lesson. I cant even throw things at my current students! All of these kids think they are pirates by the way, floating out on the water screaming AVAST YE MATEY!, and RAMMING SPEED! I just can’t seem to get through to these bastards that sailing isn’t about dressing up and pretending you're that two-faced-communist-pretty-boy Johnny Depp.

If there are any good teachers out there that could give Johnny a couple of pointers as to how to deal with these bastards- I could really use the help.

The Germans Strike Again

By now many of you know that I do not trust the Germans, if you haven’t- read my previous post on the German bastard selling a vacuum cleaner that doesn't suck. It would seem however that the problem is getting worse with the introduction of a new and even more suspicious German character… one that refers to himself only as Dr. Z.

The name itself strikes fear in my old Irish heart- it sounds like pure evil, and its not like there isn't a history of these German doctors fucking the world over. Honestly with a name like Dr. Z this guy that isn’t hiding the fact that he is going to do the world some sort of great disservice, how many movies have you seen with evil doctors with similar names? It’s just a matter of time.

I suspect that this alias apart from instilling fear is actually part of an elaborate plan. First he fools the world into believing that a German is selling them another high quality product (don't even get me started there). People, for some stupid reason trusting this suspicious son of a bitch, then go out and buy his products. Then at some future point, when no one is expecting it, this product- in this case the shitty cars produced by Dodge, Chrysler, and Jeep, explode or perhaps run us over, or maybe suddenly transform and become robots of war hunting us down and eliminating us with extreme prejudiced. In any case once this calamity occurs and we defeat these robots of destruction (which we will simply because they have been produced by the Germans), we will attempt to hunt this bastard down. But at this point he will have shed his fake glasses and mustache, moved to Argentina, and assumed a new life where the proper authorities will never be able to find him.

I say we snatch this guy before this shit goes down, and ask him some truly hard questions: What is "Stow and Go" seating really hiding?, What the fuck are you trying to pull with the PT Cruiser?, and Why do the front of your cars look like the faces of futuristic robots of death? Until we get some answers I say we hold him as an enemy combatant- that coward wont last a day.

Rot in Hell Regis

I have had enough of Regis Fucking Philbin... everywhere you turn this guy gets in your face and starts screaming. Its starts every morning- I wake up, turn on the TV, and low and behold there is this magical midget yelling at me for no reason what so ever. How could someone get so damn excited about something as mundane as going to dinner at a friends house. "So I had THE CHICKEN- he used a delicious MARANADE! The only thing that makes that bloody show bearable is the body on his co-host- now there is a cutie.

Once you recover from being shelled in the morning he makes his next appearance.... Who Wants to be a Millionaire (rerun on the Game Show Network), here is a show where he toys with poor bastards who are trying to make a buck by showing off the fact that they have a life so dull that in their free time they memorize ridiculous facts that have no use in the real world.... I mean really, when is the last time someone asked you "Pardon me but could you tell me what country the Keukenhof, the worlds largest flower is commonly found?" Luckily I am not allowed to own a gun anymore because if I did I would have shot my television by now.

Now I had come to think that the reign of this TV tyrant had ended, but alas I was terribly mistaken. Regis now subjects us to the greatest torture he has ever inflicted (which is saying a great deal) and this time he brought friends... evil ones.

The show is called "America's Got Talent" (AGT) the first clue that this thing was going to be bad was the involvement of British twit Simon Cowell. Yes… Cowell (pure evil) has teamed up with Philbin (pure evil) and created a show so vile, so devious, that it features German superstar David Hasselhoff- yes that David Hasselhoff. This guy annoys the hell out of me too- he doesn’t even travel with that talking car anymore- THAT CAR MADE YOU JACKASS! But I digress... AGT is perhaps the worst program in the history of television- the lowest of the low (including a male stripper that is my age) are highlighted for their "talents" in the hopes that they will become American superstars. For god's sake Hasselhoff knows a talking car, but instead they are featuring old strippers, ear shattering singers, and umpa lumpas doing cartwheels!

Well let me tell you this you no brained bastards- you can kiss my flabby old ass if you think I am going to watch your disgraceful show and subject myself to more Philbin torture... and by the way if a flabby old ass really was talent, I would be considered the greatest talent on earth.

The Fourth of July... A Great Holiday

As I am sure you know, I am not an American citizen, while I have been here for many years now I am still am still partial to my homeland. I must however share with you my deep adoration of the Fourth of July.

The Fourth is maybe the best holiday that has ever been invented, perhaps because of its commemoration of an embarrassing defeat to the British, and their disgustingly large egos... the only sore point is that the French were able to share in the glory of the victory. But the Fourth has become more than that... it provides those who celebrate a feast of delicious meats grilled to perfection and smothered with wonderful toppings. This is of course accompanied by the nectar of the gods-ice cold beer. And just when you thought it couldn't get better the day is capped off with the launching a small explosives into the heavens. Originally they allowed men to fire off actual cannons and other projectiles, but to limit the destruction they have limited us to watered down fireworks.

In any matter enjoy your Fourth of July- get drunk, fire off some explosives and stuff your self to the brink of your own explosion.

-Johnny