Sorry About the Cat

I had an unfortunate incident this afternoon, on my way to the bar. I was driving down Marshall Point Road, when a little kitty jumped in-front of my truck. As hard as I could I turned to the right to avoid the creature, my truck went into a ditch and became lodged on the side of the road. As I emerged from my vehicle I could see that my valiant effort had not succeeded, the cat was dead. I inspected the body in the hopes of finding identification but all I found was a silver tag marked "Sprinkles". I searched the surrounding homes in vain for the owner of the kitty, and then called Finbar to get his brothers tow truck and pull me out of the ditch.

I just wanted to express to the owner of the Calico cat named Sprinkles, whoever that may be, that I deeply regret I could not have done more to save him or her (I couldn't tell which as that part of the kitty's body was in rough shape).

Sorry About the Cat,
Johnny McBarney

Punctuation for a new generation.

I have found of the course of many years, that the written English language has a crucial flaw that needs to be addressed. When a person speaks excitedly while posing a question (rhetorical or otherwise) there is no way for a reader to truly feel the emotions of the speaker. For instance, lets say that a character screams "What the hell are you doing", how should one punctuate this?
Should it be: What the hell are you doing!, What the hell are you doing?, or What the hell are you doing?! There are many potential variations yet none of them seem to capture the essence of the statement. This is why I have invented a new punctuation mark that will soon take the world by storm. Its called the interrogatory exclamation point (or uber mark, as some of the regulars call it) basically it looks like an upside down U with two periods underneath. Currently the uber mark is not available on keyboards or in software that allows you to insert symbols.... of course that is bound to change. It is time for punctuation that fits our lifestyles, its time for us as intelligent human beings to be able to express feelings like: WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU, and WHAT THE HELL IS THAT, without the complexities of attempting to figure out what old fashion punctuation to use.

I have determined that the best way for us to get our new punctuation is for congress to pass a law requiring it on all keyboards an/or word processing programs. I figure these guys pass laws on everything and anything they can so why not on updating our punctuation for modern times?

Call you congressman today- tell them- vote yes on the uber mark bill!